never play flip cup with pint glasses
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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