headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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