Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
