We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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