Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
