I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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