you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
