Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
