May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
