It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
