i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
