So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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