the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
