Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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