That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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