Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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