I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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