I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
