I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
