Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
