Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
