woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
