it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
