She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
