I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
