life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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