Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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