Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
No more Irish car bombs ever.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
