so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
