So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
