we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
