She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
