I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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