i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
