i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I had to cum in my sink.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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