Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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