So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
