Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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