just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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