On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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