I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
