Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
