every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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