Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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