hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
