Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Randomize
