I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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