Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
This is my life. Enjoy the view
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
