i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
