The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
